Memos to Self
In many ways my body has been incredibly kind to me these last few years. I have put it through my paces, impulses, inclinations, yearnings and learnings. And at 67 it has pretty-well withstood the tests of my time. No real body aches and pains, nothing nagging to complain about, not that I would Yet when nearing dock in my dinghy a couple of days ago I reached awkwardly for a nearby line and ladder, my shoulder sent me an abrupt memo - a hey-male reminder!
All it took was my reaching at an awkward angle... that's when I felt a slight tug, a tinge, a pull, a tear? Anyway a shooting pain in my right shoulder. Nothing major or debilitating, just a sore reminder ever since. "Take your time, there's no rush." Curious now how my shoulder is where my pain message showed up.
During the last couple weeks Nassau Harbor and Mystique have sent me numerous signals about waiting here: harbor police inspection, anchor-dragging, near collision, a bimini wrapped around my anchor chain. Then two nearby sloops (one disabled named Paradise Bound) tied next to each other then "bumped" into a securely-anchored Mystique on consecutive days. UGH!
Without considering too highly the nature of this place...half of every day boat traffic waves assault my hulls while Mystique churns from opposing tidal current and easterlies. And during this last week I've been preparing the boat to receive friends - a family of six - who arrive for a one-week sail on Mystique. Maybe some concern about their sheer numbers - the most guests I have had onboard. But I think it is many other life issues surfacing for me, tugging at my sleeve and motivating me to write at this time.
Now is a time when I want to be in top physical shape and when Mystique needs a more thorough cleaning. But this is ego speaking! Maybe it is time actually to slow down and take it easy. I'm ready to relax in nature. Time to listen more closely to nature flow rather than city chaos. Similarly, if I may be so bold to share, I have feeling some psychic pain about my non-relationship with my soon-to-be 36-year-old daughter.
Yesterday, maybe as a way to alleviate my parental pain, I sent an email to all my daughters family relatives asking for their help...requesting a resolution to the impasse regarding my having a relationship with my granddaughters. This personal issue has been paining my heart more than my shoulders for way too long. But I know the weight of it has been something I have been carrying. Like most sailors trying to figure out what course to steer, what tack to take, what point of sail to head. Everything I have tried has been ignored or rejected. So every time hope rises so does pain.
While I'm not really expecting any wind change, but a miracle shift would be nice about now. Sailing out of the doldrums does not happen. One has to wait for the wind or current to carry the day. So it is difficult to imagine my daughter would suddenly alter her stance. While I do believe miracles happen every day, I also believe time heals; so does rest, so does enthusiasm, so does humor, so does love... so does nature. Wounds don't heal without some help.
These last few weeks I have been waiting and missing the joys of nature away from civilization. While keeping busy masks the reality; only temporarily comforts the soul, I'm excited for Gustavo's family arrival. The celebration of uniting family always churns my spirit. Something I experienced many years as a teacher and tutor. Unfortunately, it did not happen that often in my biological family for various reasons.
Maybe my email yesterday was more than an attempt to reconcile. It felt the struggle to find the right words to send my daughter, my son, her mother, her uncles, but that was part of my healing - a request to stop the pain and self-punishment.
Shouldering these pulls, pushes, bumps, twists, turns can challenge a simple soul. To say I'm ready to "ride out of Dodge" would be a mild understatement. As I feel this right shoulder pain, I know it is speaking to me...reminding me I don't have to shoulder so much. Maybe I am reading too much into this...Maybe the message is always and all ways just be...go with the flow. Maybe I'm asking for help. Maybe asking for a miracle.
No matter what, I'm almost ready as is Mystique for this next adventure afloat. Returning to nature will help heal, I'm sure. But being with this close family should be healing as well.
I'm looking forward to their arrival in two days!